What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 06:32
I write beautiful poetry .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
What are your darkest taboo confessions?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was seconnd youngest,
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Are there many people here who suffer from schizophrenia?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Ive learnt so much.
I was scared of men, in general
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I have no regrets .
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Where can I sell naked pics of myself online?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She married twice! .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
When she asked me how she looked .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i lived it daily.
But it wasn’t much.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is soul school!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But ive been too sick for many years..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was 9 years of age.
I was very sick at this time too.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
All the time i was locked up.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Comes on , in middle age.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One cannot live in the past .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She found it foreign!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was in good health!
She loved him until the end.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My life is so biszare .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Would this be the day?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
What did i know ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
(And it was in our own minds.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She wouldn,t have been !
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Put me off passion for life!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We were not on the streets..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I don,t even have a pension.
It was going to be , some day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I said to her
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My family never makes their pension either.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why did i forgive my father ?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im still living with it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He knew the spot.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But, we were locked up after school.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So, i spoilt her more .
We all went to grammer schools
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Who then, do I blame.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I never cut or harmed myself..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I waited trembling.
I will be 64.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!